I just don't understand.

Sometimes it feels like the only reason you want to talk to me is to say something mean. But still, I laugh it off and hope there is some other reason deep down inside that makes you want to talk to me. It doesn't change the fact that it hurts when you say those things... I just don't know what else to do about it. I guess I just wish you would stop saying mean things. If you say you get nothing out of it, and you know it hurts me, then why do you continue to do it multiple times a day? I wish I understood you but I guess it's just like you say you don't understand me. I guess the difference is I at least tell you when you're hurting me. If I knew the things I do that hurt you I'd do my best to stop. I just don't know. Here's to hoping things get better when I get home.

damn...

i fucked up again. and i didn't even do anything that's the worst part. i hate that i upset you and it sucks that its mostly about the past... i wish i could just erase half the stuff but then again i'm not perfect, no one is... its just something i will have to live with and hopefully we can work through because it's not going to go away. makes me wish that that stuff from eternal sunshine did exist. there are a lot of things id erase and that i hope we could erase together... all the bullshit that gets in the way of us being happy... it would be so nice just to let it go and just to see things for what they are right now. of course things don't work like that... that's part of the beauty of life i suppose. to find someone who accepts every bit of you and forgives your flaws. i just hope that's how it goes for us because i cant imagine being with anyone else... none the less, i'm sorry for the shitty things i've done in the past... i just hope we can work through it.