damn...

i fucked up again. and i didn't even do anything that's the worst part. i hate that i upset you and it sucks that its mostly about the past... i wish i could just erase half the stuff but then again i'm not perfect, no one is... its just something i will have to live with and hopefully we can work through because it's not going to go away. makes me wish that that stuff from eternal sunshine did exist. there are a lot of things id erase and that i hope we could erase together... all the bullshit that gets in the way of us being happy... it would be so nice just to let it go and just to see things for what they are right now. of course things don't work like that... that's part of the beauty of life i suppose. to find someone who accepts every bit of you and forgives your flaws. i just hope that's how it goes for us because i cant imagine being with anyone else... none the less, i'm sorry for the shitty things i've done in the past... i just hope we can work through it.

one of the hardest things...

is knowing no matter what you do you have no control over a situation. no matter what you say it wont do any good. it all relies on the thoughts of the other person, and that is it, there is nothing i can do to change it. i can only hope for the best. hope that the truth is acknowledged and keep wishing for the best. it is one of the hardest things to know that something you want so bad may never work because of what someone else believes. makes me wish it was easier to let the past go.

i know that i've changed you.

so i know i have changed your life and i hope it's not mostly for the bad. i feel guilty often when i know it's my fault you're unhappy. i know you've changed habits because of me, some for the good some probably not. and i know the things i've done sometimes keep you up at night. and how i wish i could take them back, i wish i could have read your mind and fully understood you from the beginning so i wouldn't have had to fuck things up, so i wouldn't have had to learn the hard way and make you miserable. i'm lucky you still like me at all. i know i'm not a bad person, we all have our issues, but im sorry that i've changed you in some ways. i wish i could have given myself to you and i wish you could have given yourself to me instead of us dicking around so much and running in circles. and here i am, i cant sleep at night because i know how i've effected you. i know that who you once were isn't exactly the same. i can only hope i've made some changes for the better, or at least showed you that i love you. and honestly i can only look to the future with optimism that i will continue to prove my love for you with my faith in you and my faith to you. you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, i'm incredibly lucky to even have a chance to know you and to know what it feels like to be really loved by someone, seemingly unconditionally at times. i know there are things you can't forgive me for right now, or maybe ever, but i hope over time the count for less, i hope over time they sink into the darkest corners of your mind emerging only to be reflected upon in how much i've changed or how long our relationship has come. to be honest, i never wanted anyone but you, im just a stupid girl who's insecure and scared and wanted you to commit. i know what i did wasn't the right way to deal with it and i know i wasn't thinking with my best judgement and i know the effect it has had on you has been a great burden. every day i hope that it diminishes a little more and i hope it stops flooding up, but i know that will take time. a lot of time. i think that maybe we have that time. being so far away from you doesn't make it easy, i know things would probably be much better if i was around and you'd probably be a lot less stressed... but then i wonder if you would get sick of me. if those thoughts wouldn't be in your face all the time... then what? all i know is i will take what you offer me and hope that it works. i will try my best to have things to offer in return, that's why i'm finishing school, to be with you and to give me potential to offer more. you make me so happy, and i worry that in return i've brought you so much pain. i know you've hurt me too, but sometimes i feel i've hurt you so much deeper, in fact, i know i have. i can't really ask for forgiveness for what i've done and i can't ask you to forget either, all i can do is hope that over time it has less bearing on our life. i want nothing more than to be with you, and it pains me knowing i have hurt you. i cannot and will not stop loving you. you have given me something to live for and without you i think i might lose the will to live. i know that if i could ruin something so true and so deep i wont find anything better, and i know i don't deserve it. i know i have changed you, but you've also changed me. you have given me back the dreams and ideals i once had, you've mad that happen. without that i would be just another cheap trick and i don't want that. you are the one thing that's allowed me to get a bit of my dignity back and i can't stand to push you away anymore than i have. i'm sorry for the negative ways i have effected you, and the disgusting things i've done. i hope that time is on our side.

i love you so much.

hard times fall on each of us 11/3

sometimes out of no where things just get shitty. there isn't too much you can do about it but there are going to be a few people you can always count on. each of us have those few people and it could be someone who's been around forever like family or it could be a girlfriend or a boyfriend or it could just be a random person who just happens to be there for you.

i know you are going through hard times and i'm trying my best to be there for you. you are so important in my life and its so hard for me to see you like this. i wish i could tell you just keep your chin up think positive and it's going to be fine but i know that's pretty damn near impossible to do. i've been there, i know being depressed isn't easy, i know what its like to feel like you're taking a step back in life and i've made stupid decisions because of that, stupid decisions i know you wouldn't make, so at least you have that. I know it's a blow to your pride, you have accomplished so much and this past year, through really no fault of your own a lot of it has slipped away. sometimes these things make no sense and there really isn't anything at all you can say about them. you just have to take each incident as it comes and deal with it the best you can with the abilities you have. no one is perfect, no one can handle things with perfect grace or poise, but you're doing a good job, you're doing the best you can, you're doing what's practical and that is all that really matters. you may worry that one day i will think less of you because of this but the truth is i wont, how could i? all i see is a person who is trying their damnedest to do what's right and what's best for them and i think you're doing a good job. no matter where the next year and the one after that take us i will be there by your side as long as you want me to. i know it isn't going to be easy, if it was i wouldn't be writing this, and sometimes you can be down right mean to me when you're feeling low but i'm trying my best to see that this isn't my fault. we each have different ways of dealing with problems, we each have different reactions and i have grown accustomed over the past year to how yours can be. sometimes the reactions you have can be hurtful, i know you don't mean to take your emotion out on me but no one is perfect and i know you can't help it any more than i can when i snap or get defensive when you say some things. but most importantly i always try to calm down and realize that it's not you speaking with malicious intent to me, it's just your way of dealing with all the feelings that come up. i know over time things will subside and you will feel better, i wish there was more i could do to help but i know life just isn't that easy. all i can say is that no matter what i'm here for you if you need or want to talk or vent or anything. i can assure you i will forgive you for things you say as long as they aren't said with malice, i promise i will be there when you need me, at least as best as i can be. i love you with every ounce of my heart and i know that these hard times will past and i will do my best to make them pass more quickly. if i could say anything and make it happen i'd just tell you to keep your head up and stop thinking about all the negative, yes bad things happen, but you are one of the best and strongest and hardest working people i know and because of this things will work out for you, you just need to believe it. believe in yourself and things will get better with time. in a year most of these problems will be nonexistent, you need to remember that, the limitations placed on you are finite, THEY WILL END, and you know the date they will end, so try to remember it's not the end of the world, it's just another hard time and it will end. i love you and i will keep wishing the best for you, i'm only a call away when you need me...