i know that i've changed you.

so i know i have changed your life and i hope it's not mostly for the bad. i feel guilty often when i know it's my fault you're unhappy. i know you've changed habits because of me, some for the good some probably not. and i know the things i've done sometimes keep you up at night. and how i wish i could take them back, i wish i could have read your mind and fully understood you from the beginning so i wouldn't have had to fuck things up, so i wouldn't have had to learn the hard way and make you miserable. i'm lucky you still like me at all. i know i'm not a bad person, we all have our issues, but im sorry that i've changed you in some ways. i wish i could have given myself to you and i wish you could have given yourself to me instead of us dicking around so much and running in circles. and here i am, i cant sleep at night because i know how i've effected you. i know that who you once were isn't exactly the same. i can only hope i've made some changes for the better, or at least showed you that i love you. and honestly i can only look to the future with optimism that i will continue to prove my love for you with my faith in you and my faith to you. you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, i'm incredibly lucky to even have a chance to know you and to know what it feels like to be really loved by someone, seemingly unconditionally at times. i know there are things you can't forgive me for right now, or maybe ever, but i hope over time the count for less, i hope over time they sink into the darkest corners of your mind emerging only to be reflected upon in how much i've changed or how long our relationship has come. to be honest, i never wanted anyone but you, im just a stupid girl who's insecure and scared and wanted you to commit. i know what i did wasn't the right way to deal with it and i know i wasn't thinking with my best judgement and i know the effect it has had on you has been a great burden. every day i hope that it diminishes a little more and i hope it stops flooding up, but i know that will take time. a lot of time. i think that maybe we have that time. being so far away from you doesn't make it easy, i know things would probably be much better if i was around and you'd probably be a lot less stressed... but then i wonder if you would get sick of me. if those thoughts wouldn't be in your face all the time... then what? all i know is i will take what you offer me and hope that it works. i will try my best to have things to offer in return, that's why i'm finishing school, to be with you and to give me potential to offer more. you make me so happy, and i worry that in return i've brought you so much pain. i know you've hurt me too, but sometimes i feel i've hurt you so much deeper, in fact, i know i have. i can't really ask for forgiveness for what i've done and i can't ask you to forget either, all i can do is hope that over time it has less bearing on our life. i want nothing more than to be with you, and it pains me knowing i have hurt you. i cannot and will not stop loving you. you have given me something to live for and without you i think i might lose the will to live. i know that if i could ruin something so true and so deep i wont find anything better, and i know i don't deserve it. i know i have changed you, but you've also changed me. you have given me back the dreams and ideals i once had, you've mad that happen. without that i would be just another cheap trick and i don't want that. you are the one thing that's allowed me to get a bit of my dignity back and i can't stand to push you away anymore than i have. i'm sorry for the negative ways i have effected you, and the disgusting things i've done. i hope that time is on our side.

i love you so much.