damn...

i fucked up again. and i didn't even do anything that's the worst part. i hate that i upset you and it sucks that its mostly about the past... i wish i could just erase half the stuff but then again i'm not perfect, no one is... its just something i will have to live with and hopefully we can work through because it's not going to go away. makes me wish that that stuff from eternal sunshine did exist. there are a lot of things id erase and that i hope we could erase together... all the bullshit that gets in the way of us being happy... it would be so nice just to let it go and just to see things for what they are right now. of course things don't work like that... that's part of the beauty of life i suppose. to find someone who accepts every bit of you and forgives your flaws. i just hope that's how it goes for us because i cant imagine being with anyone else... none the less, i'm sorry for the shitty things i've done in the past... i just hope we can work through it.

one of the hardest things...

is knowing no matter what you do you have no control over a situation. no matter what you say it wont do any good. it all relies on the thoughts of the other person, and that is it, there is nothing i can do to change it. i can only hope for the best. hope that the truth is acknowledged and keep wishing for the best. it is one of the hardest things to know that something you want so bad may never work because of what someone else believes. makes me wish it was easier to let the past go.

i know that i've changed you.

so i know i have changed your life and i hope it's not mostly for the bad. i feel guilty often when i know it's my fault you're unhappy. i know you've changed habits because of me, some for the good some probably not. and i know the things i've done sometimes keep you up at night. and how i wish i could take them back, i wish i could have read your mind and fully understood you from the beginning so i wouldn't have had to fuck things up, so i wouldn't have had to learn the hard way and make you miserable. i'm lucky you still like me at all. i know i'm not a bad person, we all have our issues, but im sorry that i've changed you in some ways. i wish i could have given myself to you and i wish you could have given yourself to me instead of us dicking around so much and running in circles. and here i am, i cant sleep at night because i know how i've effected you. i know that who you once were isn't exactly the same. i can only hope i've made some changes for the better, or at least showed you that i love you. and honestly i can only look to the future with optimism that i will continue to prove my love for you with my faith in you and my faith to you. you are the best thing that has ever happened to me, i'm incredibly lucky to even have a chance to know you and to know what it feels like to be really loved by someone, seemingly unconditionally at times. i know there are things you can't forgive me for right now, or maybe ever, but i hope over time the count for less, i hope over time they sink into the darkest corners of your mind emerging only to be reflected upon in how much i've changed or how long our relationship has come. to be honest, i never wanted anyone but you, im just a stupid girl who's insecure and scared and wanted you to commit. i know what i did wasn't the right way to deal with it and i know i wasn't thinking with my best judgement and i know the effect it has had on you has been a great burden. every day i hope that it diminishes a little more and i hope it stops flooding up, but i know that will take time. a lot of time. i think that maybe we have that time. being so far away from you doesn't make it easy, i know things would probably be much better if i was around and you'd probably be a lot less stressed... but then i wonder if you would get sick of me. if those thoughts wouldn't be in your face all the time... then what? all i know is i will take what you offer me and hope that it works. i will try my best to have things to offer in return, that's why i'm finishing school, to be with you and to give me potential to offer more. you make me so happy, and i worry that in return i've brought you so much pain. i know you've hurt me too, but sometimes i feel i've hurt you so much deeper, in fact, i know i have. i can't really ask for forgiveness for what i've done and i can't ask you to forget either, all i can do is hope that over time it has less bearing on our life. i want nothing more than to be with you, and it pains me knowing i have hurt you. i cannot and will not stop loving you. you have given me something to live for and without you i think i might lose the will to live. i know that if i could ruin something so true and so deep i wont find anything better, and i know i don't deserve it. i know i have changed you, but you've also changed me. you have given me back the dreams and ideals i once had, you've mad that happen. without that i would be just another cheap trick and i don't want that. you are the one thing that's allowed me to get a bit of my dignity back and i can't stand to push you away anymore than i have. i'm sorry for the negative ways i have effected you, and the disgusting things i've done. i hope that time is on our side.

i love you so much.

hard times fall on each of us 11/3

sometimes out of no where things just get shitty. there isn't too much you can do about it but there are going to be a few people you can always count on. each of us have those few people and it could be someone who's been around forever like family or it could be a girlfriend or a boyfriend or it could just be a random person who just happens to be there for you.

i know you are going through hard times and i'm trying my best to be there for you. you are so important in my life and its so hard for me to see you like this. i wish i could tell you just keep your chin up think positive and it's going to be fine but i know that's pretty damn near impossible to do. i've been there, i know being depressed isn't easy, i know what its like to feel like you're taking a step back in life and i've made stupid decisions because of that, stupid decisions i know you wouldn't make, so at least you have that. I know it's a blow to your pride, you have accomplished so much and this past year, through really no fault of your own a lot of it has slipped away. sometimes these things make no sense and there really isn't anything at all you can say about them. you just have to take each incident as it comes and deal with it the best you can with the abilities you have. no one is perfect, no one can handle things with perfect grace or poise, but you're doing a good job, you're doing the best you can, you're doing what's practical and that is all that really matters. you may worry that one day i will think less of you because of this but the truth is i wont, how could i? all i see is a person who is trying their damnedest to do what's right and what's best for them and i think you're doing a good job. no matter where the next year and the one after that take us i will be there by your side as long as you want me to. i know it isn't going to be easy, if it was i wouldn't be writing this, and sometimes you can be down right mean to me when you're feeling low but i'm trying my best to see that this isn't my fault. we each have different ways of dealing with problems, we each have different reactions and i have grown accustomed over the past year to how yours can be. sometimes the reactions you have can be hurtful, i know you don't mean to take your emotion out on me but no one is perfect and i know you can't help it any more than i can when i snap or get defensive when you say some things. but most importantly i always try to calm down and realize that it's not you speaking with malicious intent to me, it's just your way of dealing with all the feelings that come up. i know over time things will subside and you will feel better, i wish there was more i could do to help but i know life just isn't that easy. all i can say is that no matter what i'm here for you if you need or want to talk or vent or anything. i can assure you i will forgive you for things you say as long as they aren't said with malice, i promise i will be there when you need me, at least as best as i can be. i love you with every ounce of my heart and i know that these hard times will past and i will do my best to make them pass more quickly. if i could say anything and make it happen i'd just tell you to keep your head up and stop thinking about all the negative, yes bad things happen, but you are one of the best and strongest and hardest working people i know and because of this things will work out for you, you just need to believe it. believe in yourself and things will get better with time. in a year most of these problems will be nonexistent, you need to remember that, the limitations placed on you are finite, THEY WILL END, and you know the date they will end, so try to remember it's not the end of the world, it's just another hard time and it will end. i love you and i will keep wishing the best for you, i'm only a call away when you need me...

so kinda needing to vent 10/28

so basically i faced a huge dilemma today. i had to vote. i cant really say much, i voted for people i hate and think are complete morons, i did this because of the chance for me to secure a bit of financial future for myself in the next 4 years.

basically what it comes down to is life goals. in the next 4 years i would love to buy a house, granted i stay with my boyfriend whom i absolutely adore and want nothing more but to marry, thus being said we will need a down payment on a house. now normally this wouldnt have much bearing on who i vote for, WRONG, for us i think there is a potential for a huge impact. why you might ask? well its because we both have wealthy family... that wealthy family has blessed us with trust funds, albeit mine is small and probably wont last past my last year of education here, his to both of our understandings is fairly substantial. second point following is my grandparents are likely to die within the next 4 years, yes sad but most likely true. what then you might ask is the problem here? well that would be the sweet little bonus that we call an inheritance. my grandparents have money in the bank, that money will be distributed to their children, ie my mother. of course i stand to inherit some physical items but nothing of cash or stock value.

so essentially what it comes down to is do i make a greedy decision for myself and hope that republicans get elected and therefore significantly less taxes on my trust and my inheritance? or do i vote democrat and hope that the tax policies dont get pushed through essentially demolishing my trust and giving only little more than half the intended inheritance? well lets take a step back, house and senate = democratic, the likelihood that the obama tax policies pass is extremely high so im going to lose money. republicans on the other hand are dimwits and i cant stand their personalities. oh no, another question arises. is it right to decide who wins based on their personality? i really dont know. lets face it palin is retarded, at least in my book, and who the hell can spend that much on clothes. but then again how much is palin really going to influence things. the most we heard about cheney was that he shot some guy in the face.... i seriously doubt palin is going to have much of an impact unless of course mccain does die. still the likelihood of him dying isnt really that high, for example the cancer, to my knowledge it was only skin cancer the easiest kind of cancer to get rid of granted its caught early and we all know theres no way his dr isnt on him like a hawk since hes in this position now. not only that my grandpa who is older than mccain has had cancer for over 40 years and nothings happened, hes had both melanoma and prostate cancer and our technology now is a hell of a lot better then when my gramps was being treated. there is a lot more i could blah blah and seemingly try to justify to myself but im not going to bother.

but in the end sad as it is i have to be greedy and make a vote that i feel will benefit me most as a girl not standing to make too much money in the future. although i do consider myself middle class and my income will likely fall into the middle class bracket i will stand to gain from republican tax policy because 1] i [and my significant other] have a trust, 2] i [and potentially my significant other] have the potential for an inheritance in the next 4 years, 3] there is a potential in my [and potentially my significant others] future to own a small business and thus less taxes is better! it all comes down to that. i must be greedy my family has worked hard for what they have and the government shouldnt take that much and it most certainly should not be given to people who spend most of their lives on welfare to even out wealth. no one should come into this world expecting a free handout and that means we each work hard with the hopes we will have something to pass on to our children/grandchildren. despite the fact that i hate the republican candidates i did vote for them because if they win its 4 more years i dont have to worry about losing money ive counted on and can use to better my life. if democrats win i probably wont have enough money for a down payment on a house and i will miss some of my most desired life goals.

tl;dr - my life goals have caused me to vote republican hoping that it will save me a bit of money because i have a wealthy family that is likely to send some money my way. i also doubt that republican policies will make it through a democratic house and senate and ultimately decisions such as abortion rights and gay marriage will be decided in state and there is no way california is going to get rid of that.

seriously wtf isnt it my choice??? 10/6

okay so just a thought. shouldn't i be able to make decisions about my life and what i do in it? should i have the right to make the best decision for me in each case? i think i do. and i have tried to do so throughout my life. when i have an opinion about something, such as palin being an idiot and being extremely selfish for thinking that victims of rape should be forced to carry that child to term, i shouldn't immediately be judged like im some kind of dirty multiple abortion having slut. and furthermore even if i had had an abortion what right does someone have to immediately spout off that im a filthy murderer???? when women get pregnant on IUDs they are forced to have abortions because the likelyhood of the fetus surviving is slim to none, not only that it is more likely that the fetus will become septic and rot the woman out from the inside is fairly high. THIS IS BULLSHIT. no one should be judged for that! who would go into something full well knowing they are probably going to kill two people instead of possibly killing one that mostlikely wouldnt have lived anyway. i find this so frustrating. like COME ON?!!!? YOU'VE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!!! people need to get the fuck over it and realize how selfish it is for a woman to be FORCED to keep a child. the average teen that gets pregnant has NOTHING and i mean NOTHING to offer a child besides maybe a pretty face and a smile. at that age people dont have much to offer. not saying they wouldnt be great parents, but i am saying there are probably a shit ton of other people who would make better parents who would allow that child to have a better life and actually be able to provide for them. especially with the economy like it is right now. those kids who happen to have a kid arent going to be able to get a decent job so how the hell can they even afford to get the baby diapers??? unless they have some awesome parents there is no way they will be able to care for that baby the way they should. not to mention at that age most people cant make a good decision about if they will be with the person they had the kid with forever. chances are they probably wont and then what? you have some 18 year old stuck paying child support? how the hell can someone that young pay child support try to work full time and hopefully try to go to school so they can actually get a job where they can afford the child support??? to me thats even more selfish for that girl to keep that baby. not only is she putting that kid at a disadvantage in a world that hard enough shes also fucking herself over [guess what no more social life!!! how are you going to pay for school?? whos going to watch that baby when your working?? etc etc] and the baby's daddy. if that was me i'd rather not because i know i wont be able to be a good parent right now. i wont be able to put a roof over my babies head, i wont be able to put food on the table, i wont be able to make it through school, i wont be able to afford the drs visits to make sure my kid is healthy, etc etc etc. i just think its a dumb idea and i know that i would end up hurting way more people than id end up helping in that situation. so yeah maybe i do believe in "murder" for the good of the whole. but to me its the best decision at the time. not to mention accidents are accidents. if i was on birth contorl and i got pregnant then i have a right to make the decision i was trying to make before. i didnt want a kid to begin with why should i be forced to have one because of laws i didnt want? thats just crazy. besides i dont know any one who enjoys abortion. like haha it tickels. YEAH RIGHT!! no girl in their right mind is going to be like oh yeah id rather get an abortion than get on birth control because its so much easier. thats some mad bullshit. and seriously if i ever do meet a girl like that i will ask her wtf she was thinking especially considering you can get birth control for dirt cheap or free from planned parenthood you just have to make an appointment and go. blah blah blah i could go on forever because i am just so livid right now.

all that said and done i want to say that i am not an abortion advocate. i do not think that abortion is usually necessary. there is this awesome thing called the morning after pill. USE IT. if you are stupid enough to let a guy nut in your pussy and you know youre not on birth control dont be dumb 50 bucks vs 500 bucks for an abortion... what are you going to choose? but in the event you do get pregnant and it was an accident then yeah you should be able to get an abortion with limitation. the way i see it there is no way that by 12 weeks you shouldnt know your preg. 12 weeks is long enough that you can figure it out. i mean seriously thats like 3 months guys, 3 missed periods, 3 months of morning sickness, 3 months is enough. so to be leniant i would say 16 weeks is the limit. thats an extra month to make sure that after you figure it out you can scrape up some funds and make an appointment etc etc etc. but furthermore you know damn well that planned parenthood gives you a years worth of birth control for dirt cheap or free when you get an abortion. SO TAKE IT!! if you choose not to take it and you fuck up and get preg again then i think your ass should be denied. aboriton is not birth control. youve got an issue if you are going about having abortion after abortion when you have options such as birth control and the morning after pill so easily accesible. FOR GOODNESS SAKE USE THE OTHER OPTIONS!! also if you are capable of having a child and you have the funds to support it you should have it. some kid isnt going to have their own house and have the funds to provide. but if you do why would you have an abortion?? that is selfish. unless you have a medical condition or you got pregnant from rape you probably dont need to have an abortion. I know people will always say there is the option for adoption but i know me and i know girls that have wanted to give the baby for adoption BUT when that kid comes out a kid you had for 9 months in your body there is no way you wont be attached. so i can only say that for me an abortion would probably be the better option and i believe that there are plenty of girls that would say the same thing.

just basically do what is the best for you. make good decisions and use the easy options. and dont be nasty and judge people without knowing them.

relationships 9/28

so many different things are going on with relationships right now. there are a lot of things i dont understand and why people behave the way that they do. some of these relationships just dont make any sense to me and i wonder why people do things they know will hurt them later.

i've learned a lot in the past year and i think i've learned the valuable difference between conflicting personalities/motives and bad timing. i have seen more failed relationships in the past year do to conflicting personalities and im shocked at people getting into relationships with differing motives. if there is anything that's important its being on the same page. you can be madly in love with someone and that doesn't mean it will work. i'm not claiming to know everything about relationships but i know you need to work hard at them, i know you need to give and take, i know its not a one way street, i know it requires devotion and some sacrifice, i know that if you lose yourself and your personality in a relationship then it's probably a pretty selfish relationship. i have also come to realize that trying to fix people or seeing someones potential is never going to make a successful relationship. everything must be taken at face value or don't even bother.

all this said i know i've made mistakes in my past relationships, hence they failed, i know i've made mistakes in my current relationship BUT i also realize that i don't need to continue making them. i feel really lucky to have the relationship i do now with someone who i get along with well. our motives are in line now more than ever and that makes me happy. i know that there will be more difficult times, just as there are right now, but i think that we can work through it. i will give as much as i can and work with him to make things function. i think its the best partnership i have ever had and i know i can depend on him to be there when im in need. every relationship has rough spots and it's just another thing to work through.

oh and boo on mushy stuff but sometimes i cant help it.

hi.

Hello! so basically i'm doing this so i can blah blah blah about things in my life and because my boyfriend told me i should make one lol.

vent time now.

okay so honestly cant wait to come home even if its just for a few days. i feel pretty lost over here sometimes and my body is really just not happy lately. school is school. busy as usual and im probably not putting nearly as much effort in as i should be. its kind of silly but i feel like if i can just make it by in my classes i will be fine its myself i feel needs a little more work. sometimes i just so caught up with everything going on that i forget to give myself a little love. well other than that i really just hate not having anyone to cuddle with lol. super girly stuff i know but it gets lonely over here and i really just need some hugs and kisses from my boyfriend.